These can include the understanding of important and perhaps previously unknown principles.  In looking at life as an 'exciting adventure' (versus 'problems to be solved one day at a time'), I suggest men are often not even aware of what they are missing.  This is often perceived by themselves and others as a lack of ‘passion’, or some inability to ‘be caring’ or possibly even to ‘have feelings’. In an earlier paper, “The Demise of the Masculine American Culture”, I commented that “everyone was impressed with me, but me” (American College Personnel Association, Men’s Task Force paper presentation for panel reaction, 1983; and National Organization Of Changing Men, workshop presentation, Ann Arbor, MI, 1983).  Until I was educated as to what a ‘healthy man’s life’ might contain, I didn’t even know to look for the many pathways available.  I believe many men might find themselves in this similar position, IF we can only help them to ‘open their eyes’!  They don’t even know they don’t know…

In a recent Reader’s Digest cover series of articles on men, “The Secret Lives of Men – What They Think, Feel and Hide”, the lead article stated men are ‘hard wired’ to not be in touch with their feelings, but then went on a few paragraphs later to state “Divorce, which typically is more emotionally devastating for men, forces them into unexplored emotional territory” (“Big Boys Don’t Cry And Other Myths About Men And Emotions”, Readers Digest Magazine, October 2005, Page 103 – 107). Which is it, they don’t have this ability (due to the way they are ‘hard wired’) or they don’t experience it until they are confronted with situations where they must???  I suggest men are little different from women in this area of human development, BUT their early experiences and especially their expectations of what it means to be a ‘man’ in American society leaves them with a lack of knowledge and experiences to even consider alternative viewpoints or to develop their own ’perspectives’.   Our rapidly expanding ‘diversity’ of cultures in America will undoubtedly make this a more difficult task, AND an even more important one, too!

I often comment that women are decades ahead of men in their work on gender issues, as illustrated in their annual, mid-Michigan “Womyn’s Music Festival” (www.michfest.com).  Over the last 30 years they have built an annual ‘city’ for what I understand approaches 5,500 women to do their individual and community building work.  I’ve had female clients passionately talk about what a wonderful experience it was for them.  Compare that to our own ‘men’s movement’ and I think the pictures are quite  contrasting (perhaps, reading the history of this men’s studies conference on their website would assist newcomers www.mensstudies.org - I still recall the experiences vividly in the 80’s and early 90’s when I attended national and local men’s conferences).  I believe we have a LOT of work to do as men!

As a further quick illustration to men simply not knowing how they might ‘feel’, I would offer ‘Gay men’ as a challenge to what traditional Straight men are perceived they might (and “should!!!”) be.  While I readily agree there are major stereotypes to grapple with here, the generally held concept that Gay men are ‘sensitive and caring’ could be a challenge to the ‘hard wired’ proposal/myth that men just ‘aren’t that way’ (and, of course, there are Gay men who are not so caring, either, so perhaps it is not somehow ‘hard wired’ to some sort of ‘Gay gene’ either – humor!?!).  The recent blockbuster film “Brokeback Mountain” is a possible testament to the idea that men can indeed be caring and be in touch with their feelings (even in the hostile environment of Middle America in the ‘70’s)!  Women appear to appreciate this ‘fact’.  I understand it is a large population of women, going during afternoon matinees, that have greatly helped the film to have grossed its current $160 Million (“Quaid says ‘Brokeback’ owes him”, Detroit Free Press Newspaper, March 25, 2006, Page 2A).

In moving further towards what men might want to consider ADDING to their understanding of themselves, I would offer two psychologists as examples for consideration.  Abraham Maslow was a psychologist that attempted to examine why people did what they did, and distill those actions down to as basic a set of simple premises.  He created his famous “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs” (see handout).  I often suggest clients consider these five needs in examining their motivations and priorities (physical, safety, belongingness, esteem and self-actualization needs).  He suggested everything a person does is some combination of these needs.  I would propose IF a man has not experienced his life, with this ‘perspective’ to consider, it is possible he won’t even know he’s possibly/probably missing more fulfilling experiences (and the potentially resulting consequences/benefits, including ‘passion’).  Author Sam Keen, in his book “Fire In The Belly” (Bantam Books, 1991) does an excellent job of sharing his ‘adventure’ in learning about himself and his discovery of his own passions.

In my own development, due to working with various counselors at various periods of my life, I came to learn just how much I didn’t know about myself, and even less about what ‘potential’ still lie waiting to be released, as I first discovered and then learned about my own passions.  In finally learning about ‘dysfunctional families’ I came to understand that I was raised with a ‘neglect’ of my own basic needs and wants, which resulted in my growing up to be ‘fear based’ in practically everything I did.  Since not being ‘abused’ in any traditional sense, I and others never considered or discussed whether I had a positive viewpoint on life, “happy” – it just was what it was, with little feeling involved.  I remember stating, “It’s not bad, so that’s good.”  I had not even grasped the concept of ‘joy based’, or ‘happy’, and so did not even consider it as an ‘option’ for my goals and ambitions, let alone ‘passions’.  There were few dreams in my life, at that time, and I didn’t even realize it!?!  I point this out to strongly suggest that men (perhaps many or even most) also do not realize what they have missed during their growing up years!  IF we do not miss something, how can we even know to look for it???  Perhaps, that is why men are assumed to be ‘hard wired’ to not be emotional or passionate, by the women who criticize us, and we then look for parts of the brain to back up these assertions/accusations?  When men are left to their own means, it would be considered ‘natural’ that they would gravitate towards what they have been exposed to, or had positive experiences within (e.g. sports – physical activity).  Without new and ‘higher developed’ activities to know about and consider as options (Maslow’s Needs), no wonder they ‘grow passionate’ towards such time consuming activities and enterprises?  Another way to consider this point would be to look at how people become ‘cultured’.  It usually takes exposure, patience and some training to learn the finer points they might come to appreciate, admire and even take on as something to aspire towards.  This is quite different from ‘addictions’ – ‘sports widows’!  With ‘passion’ the reward is in doing the activity, and the satisfaction that results – “the end is its own reward!”  With addictions, there is not a sense of satisfaction, but more of a sense of relief for the moment, only to be followed with a renewed/greater ‘hunger’ for even more of the previous activity (accommodation to the stimulus).  There is a BIG difference between ‘need’ and ‘want’ which is often a way of determining addictions versus passion.  I find people can often relate to these words, IF they are given the opportunity, including men.

The other psychologist’s model I want to propose for you consideration is Eric Erikson and his “Theory of Personality Development” (see handouts).  His theory proposes that individuals need to progress through eight developmental stages or experiences IF they are to adequately grasp the concepts of that stage.  IF they somehow miss that stage of development, they will continue but, “The resolution of these conflicts is cumulative – that is, a person’s manner of adjustment at each stage of development leads him to a somewhat different way of handling the next conflict” (Human Development, Craig, Grace J, Prentice-Hall Publishers, page 39).  I find many men are unaware of their experiences while growing up and ‘maturing’, and therefore are often confused and even at a loss to explain why and for what purpose they have chosen their life’s and career’s paths (IF, indeed, they even had much input or given much thought into ‘choosing’ these paths, since I find many men have followed other people’s dreams or expectations of them – classic ‘co-dependency’).  Many professionals find ‘co-dependency’ is still a dependency, which may seen obvious to most, but is often lost upon those struggling, possibly without an awareness their entire lives may have been one of struggle (including to feel “OK”).  I can personally attest to this situation, and how a manner of ‘denial’ exists not only for the person with ‘addictive lifestyles’ but also for those attempting to be their ‘caretakers’ (versus ‘caregivers’ who know and can set healthy ‘boundaries’ without guilt or shame undermining their decisions or comfort in making those decisions).  While this may not appear clear to some, for those raised in ‘dysfunctional families’ these are usually easily identified ‘red flag’ words and can lead to a lifetime of struggle.  Contrast this to individuals who have had the relative luxury of learning the stages of development that enhances, and they are worlds apart.  This might be similar to the difference between watching a movie on a black and white television versus watching the same events with color added – ‘passion’.

Bringing all this back to men’s studies conferences, I believe the presenters would do well to inform their potential participants of the expected outcomes (and how they might relate to larger issues and concerns for men).  This would not only assist men to gently challenge themselves (to come out of their ‘comfort zones’), but also to become aware of what they might have been missing, to the point they didn’t even know the potential importance of it.  As an example, while presenting a workshop on stress and burnout for caregivers of people with AIDS, I mentioned the five basic feelings (happy, sad, scared, hurt and angry), to which a fellow spontaneously shared, “Oh, that’s what my therapist has been talking about for a year and a half!”  Talk about not getting it, and not even knowing he wasn’t getting it, AND this was to a person who had committed himself to caring for others.  I suggest too many men find themselves in this position, and we’d do a GREAT service to them by offering compassion and ‘facts that will set them free’.

Contact Dale Ross at realitiesunlimited@comcast.net.