The questions that we wonder about are:

What is someone looking for that he/she can't find within the relationship?

Why can't that person find it in the relationhip? 

How does each person play a role in perpetuating an unsatisfying relationship?

What would have to be different for future affairs to be avoided?

These are complex questions and usually reveal the unique fiber of each relationship when answered honestly. 

He said: Men are looking to feel important and valued.  Often they feel criticized by their partner's demands or judgments.

She said: Women are looking for their husbands to be true partners, and want men to share in their lives in an authentic manner.

He said:  Most men have learned to be providers, be dependable, to achieve, to be physically strong, etc. Many men have not learned to be authentic, so this is an unfortunate expectation and a set up for disappointment.

She said: Women feel that they are doing it all, bearing primary responsibility for household duties, children and often working, as well.  From this place of exhaustion and emptiness, it is easy to be demanding.

As you can see, this dynamic can be toxic for the relationship.  If one or the other partner feels chronically criticized, they will be "sitting ducks" for a nice sweet person to come along and sweep them off their feet into an affair. 

The solution to this problem lies in the ways that couples are able to communicate their difficult feelings with each other. Most communication is geared toward making a point, or trying to get the other person to change. 

What if the goals were different?  Ask yourself, what if your goal in every argument was to make your partner feel OK about themselves, how would you act in a different manner than you do now?   People need to ask themselves, honestly: "Is my partner happy in this relationship?  What is my role in his/her unhappiness?  What will be the consequences if I don't address these issues?"

We try to help people understand the inevitability of the affairs.  What were the circumstances and what would need to be different in the future?

To learn more about Paul and Ellen Chute, visit their website at www.ellenandpaul.com.