People think that their unhappiness results from their partner's actions.  They want to change their partner and their method of trying to promote change is through negative attacks.  Hey, if they do it in politics, why not try it at home?  The problem is it never works!  No one changes when they feel attacked.  They usually just dig their heels in.

There are three entities in every relationship—you, the other person, and the relationship, itself.  The relationship is a pool of water that you both swim in and drink from every day.  When you put poison into the pool for the other person, you end up drinking it yourself!  The relationship needs to be nurtured so that it can nurture you!  That means that each of you needs to do things that care for the relationship even when it is not what you really want to do for yourself. 

Slamming the other person usually means that you feel out of control.  The problem with negativity is that it multiplies and creates a downward spiral that poisons the water in the pool.  Negativity never promotes change, it only promotes negativity.  When you find yourself being negative, get a grip on yourself and your own emotions!

He Said: Guys, your negativity usually comes out in one of two ways—anger or withdrawal.

She Said: Women usually display their negativity in two ways: nagging or criticism.

Remember, when you feel really critical of your partner, it should be a signal to you that you need  some self soothing, which is an internal conversation with yourself that lets yourself know that you can handle it and that you will make it work out for yourself.

To learn more about Paul and Ellen Chute, visit their website at www.ellenandpaul.com.