And, to add confusion, different generations have quite different expectations of their men, but again no one is sitting us down and helping us to see any of these differences, and more importantly the contradictions/complications that arise from them (for both the men and those men interact with – again, everyone)! 

For this reason, I propose ‘The John Wayne Syndrome’, ‘The Good ‘Ol Boys Club’ and even ‘The Peter Pan Syndrome’ are alive, still ticking and ‘kicking ass’ in America (tragically in my view).  I would question whether men are really from Mars, are really ‘addicted’ to sports, powerful cars, ‘toys’, and various status symbols, including their jobs… or perhaps, more correctly/effectively, they are schooled, seduced and enabled in playing out the ‘privileged’ ‘Alpha Male Syndrome’??? 

I would suggest one of men’s ‘primary symptoms’ is their belief they are all destined to ‘lead/rule the world’… or more specifically to rule through ‘power and control’. My experience in working with most men is that they don’t believe they have any choice in whether to adopt these expectations, what any other options might look like, or even more basically, they simply have never considered anything differently… simply mandated to follow in their father’s footsteps!?!  This may seem ‘old fashion thinking’ but where and when were men ‘relieved of their duties’???  I propose that we might consider most men are more simply ‘innocent and/or ignorant’ of alternatives, either possibly acting out of primitive brain areas or learned behaviors that might have once been useful in more hostile and warring times, not when we are now so interdependent???  Again, have men ever been told this, and then decided how they feel???

Then, there is another whole segment of our male population that does not see themselves (or are not viewed by others) as fitting the Alpha Male role, which we traditionally call them slight, effeminate acting, Gay, non-aggressive, passive or simply men who are ‘losers’. Because they don’t see themselves (or are not perceived by others and therefore not responded to) they are not permitted, not elected, and not chosen to be ‘leaders’ or controllers of power. 

Again, I would suggest this is a negative variation of the same ‘power and control game’!?!  This is all done through subtle (and not so subtle) expectations of men, and they usually ‘take it personally’ (both negatively and positively).  For example ask any man who wasn’t especially good at sports, or just wasn’t interested, and they will often express lots of self-doubt and lowered self-esteem.  Men believe they have to continually prove they are good at being men!?! Like any dysfunctional family (taken here to a national level) men often believe they must continually ‘earn love’, and most have never known the concept of unconditional love for how they choose to express their maleness.  Many men share how they’ve never even felt love in any expressed form!  No wonder these men are either not good ‘lovers’ or tend to run from it (something that is a stranger to them)?!?  Also, homophobia is especially strong among men in America, and any expression that might suggest a man might be Gay or Bisexual is strongly suspect and punished!

IF these two camps of men (perceived powerful and perceived not powerful) might be true for most men (and of course there are exceptions) then, perhaps, ‘the problem of men’ may become a ‘hidden opportunity’ for our men, their families, their communities, our country (and even the entire world, now that we’ve become so interdependent in our new global economy) to re-examine their existing premises and expectations, coming to new and improved roles, expectations and options for men… a broad spectrum of behaviors chosen through individual ‘free will’. 

As I’ve mentioned in previous articles over the last quarter century (some reprinted on this website) men have a lot going for them, and simply need to find new ways in which to examine and free themselves…. To find their “Fire In The Belly” (to quote an excellent book title on men, by Sam Keen, 1992).  Therefore, I propose men are not ‘THE problem’ but their lifestyles and their/our expectations of their behaviors lead to problems for them and those around them, again everyone.  Men need to find their ‘passion’, and then how to constructively express it in healthy ways!!!

Perhaps, for example, our current Wall Street, banking, auto, mortgage industries and global economy meltdowns might be more productively examined in this perspective of men and their supposed need for power and control???  Perhaps, their models of ‘winning at all costs’ and ‘winner takes all’ might work in sports and past wars, but can we afford to not compassionately re-negotiate more humane and win-win strategies for everyone’s sake, and especially for men!?!  This would be a major paradigm shift in thinking for everyone, again, especially for men!!!  (And, of course, this current situation is not limited solely to men, as some women have learned the lessons of becoming rather effective at Alpha behaviors, too).  Fortunately, in my view, most women have forged new pathways leading to exciting new means of constructively interacting and cooperation!

Briefly, in my talk, I suggest three main methods of viewing and addressing ‘men’s issues’ and their behaviors (my personal views, of course).  The first being ‘The Disease Model’, which uses the medical ‘disease’ model (and required medication, forever?) based upon genetic or a ‘nature’ view of men and their origins.  The reader might be most familiar with the TV ads about people possibly having a ‘chemical imbalance’ that affects their moods, which their medications might help relieve the symptoms.  Second, is ‘The 12-Step Model’ which suggests an ‘inherent defect’ model based upon the Alcoholic Anonymous ‘powerless’ viewpoint.  And, third is ‘The Victim Model’ which is based upon ‘power and control issues’ as detailed in dysfunctional family, abusive relationships (domestic violence), and newly emerging anger management models. 

While the first two viewpoints I mention have literally saved millions of lives (and therefore are certainly useful models!), I suggest the ‘victim model’ is the least restrictive and allows for a greater possibility of an individual being able to interact in mainstream society, with maximum potential for social and varied satisfaction(s).  The individual needs to determine where society and personal responsibilities start and stop, which introduces the concepts of ‘boundaries’ and ‘negotiation’ for mutual safety and satisfaction.  Perhaps, there may be room for a combination of these views, too???  This would require individuals from these viewpoints sitting down and having cooperative discussions, something which would be contrary to what men have been raised to do – not finding out who’s ‘right’ but sharing ideas to come up with better possible course(s) of action.  Which comes first, the new freer concept of men (who don’t have to always be ‘right’) or men (and women) sitting down to cooperatively developing new ideas and conclusions/options???  Most men don’t have a clue on how to ‘think outside the box’ of actually sharing power and control (again, humor here please).