This second workshop was simple video recordings of adult men talking with their fathers about what it was like when their fathers were growing up.  A simple idea, in my viewpoint, and why it was originally my second choice.  Upon entering the arena style auditorium, however, I was stunned that it was completely filled with men even standing in the isles – perhaps 150!  As the video had already started, I walked in to find there were men openly weeping at seeing these simple dialogues of fathers reflecting with their sons on their early years.  The first short clip was two adult men standing in a farm field that had been recently tilled (the father was still tending the family farm).  While this sounded like a simple enough topic, and in a classic American setting, I’d come to learn it was and still is quite unusual, if not even ‘rare’!?!  Men of my age, and earlier, simply just don’t talk with their fathers about almost anything ‘personal’!!!???!!!

In my ‘quarter century’ of working with men’s issues (as both a participant and presenter), I have been struck by a lack of ‘movement’ within this rather large ‘minority population’!!!  As I’ve mentioned in previous writings (for example “Old Dogs – New Tricks” 2007, also on this website), the early national men’s conferences I attended (www.NOMAS.org and also later www.MensStudies.org ) usually gathered around 600 men (and later some women) with about half being from the local area.  The size from year to year stayed fairly stable. The women’s movement, on the other hand has continued to grow, so for example the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival (www.MichFest.com) held in mid-Michigan every summer gets around 5,500 women and their children!?!  I have recently been giving ‘introductory lectures’ to professionals to ‘re-introduce’ this basic concept of ‘men’s issues’ (which it turns out many, if not most professionals including men, have never heard about!?!).

In working with my male clients, as a counselor and psychotherapist, I also often have the opportunity to ‘introduce’ this concept.  No one had previously made them aware of this simple broad concept, and it usually makes a great deal of sense to them when they do finally get to consider it!  I continually hear that even in this age of ‘enlightened men’ that they still don’t talk with their fathers at a personal or emotional level (although a few fortunately are finally beginning such adventures).  And thus, sadly this poor quality role modeling continues to go to the newly emerging generations of men, too.

We ‘middle aged’ and older men missed out on something that culturally appears very significant, yet we don’t even appear to know to ‘go there’ with our own ‘members’.  Perhaps, anthropologists (and maybe even physiologists some day) might explain the basis of this phenomenon???  Perhaps, men are somehow different and unable to do this simple process (but I have my doubts)???  I strongly suspect men simply haven’t been taught this can be a ‘good thing’, and so haven’t tried - yet.  By not trying, they unfortunately do perceive negative consequences, and too often take them personally.

Somehow, it appears, many men find themselves feeling that if they don’t have their father’s ‘blessing’ then they are somehow ‘not right’, or defective, or incomplete???  The question, when discussed in therapy, is often simple and direct, “Am I enough of a ‘man’ in your eyes, Dad?”.  I hear the stories of the agony of this often terrifying question, and how they struggle with it for years, if not decades.  Many never get up the courage to say it out loud, and struggle in silence most of their lives.  How has this missed discussion come to be?  Where did it start and is it somehow considered a ‘normal’ process for men (which their therapy comments somehow seem to support)?  This is where other scholars might be of help…

To begin a discussion on this up to now critically important but seldom discussed topic, I would propose it not only not ‘normal’, it is a promotion of the idea of giving up our ‘right’ to feel OK or acceptable as men in our own and other’s eyes.  Then we spend enormous amounts of time, energy, money and even social consciousness in pursuit of regaining or reclaiming this ‘holy grail’!?!  Perhaps, the ‘winning team’ spirit in various sports is an excellent external illustration of what men struggle with internally???  At what point did we somehow become not OK, and by whose declaration, that we later perceive a great need to somehow be judged ‘acceptable’ once again???  How did this huge ‘minority’ of American males become ‘less than wonderful’ as individuals and perhaps even put into a ‘lower class’ citizenship of late???  And, does this classism need to exist and be fought, so American men may eventually re-join the human race (where it might perhaps someday become a ‘non-issue’ again)???  Again, perhaps other scholars might shed some light on this critical topic from their viewpoints…  I would welcome such a discussion.

 I would also propose that this might be viewed as somewhat similar to what African-Americans and Hispanic-Americans (and previous immigrants) have gone through in their racial struggles, and what many Gay (LGBT) individuals are coming to conclude, as well (I was asked to write about this last group in an earlier article “Homophobia: More Than Simply Hating Gays” 1996 ).  I am also quite certain this cultural struggle (perhaps, it could even be considered a ‘cultural war’) is not limited to America’s men alone.  Consider the Hispanic culture’s focus (emphasis?) on the ‘macho’ attitude?  Perhaps, America being a ‘great melting pot’ of humanity it has become more painfully clear here?  Well, I would propose, perhaps we could also finally ‘melt’ this perceived problem and set individuals free from what I believe is a huge hoax once and for all!?!

I also fear that the ‘rise of women and feminism’ in America, to claim their rights as working women (long overdue!) and other freedoms, may help further fuel men’s fears of their own ‘less than wonderful’ feelings about themselves, and the ‘battle of the sexes’ may be even more heightened than the media already has!?!  I do not believe men and women are ‘that different’ but there are many reasons and people with hidden agendas who may benefit from such perceived inequalities/differences (just as in the above mentioned racial and orientation struggles).  I would suggest we are looking at cultural conditioning but are calling them traits (and thereby differences between the sexes)???

The Henry Ford Museum in Dearborn, Michigan (www.TheHenryFord.org) has a major display on this topic, titled “With Liberty and Justice For All” and uses historical objects to track various minority populations’ struggles for ‘freedom’ and I highly recommend visiting it (or view their introductory video online).  There is a stone at the entrance to the exhibit bearing the familiar inscription ‘All People Are Created Equal’.  We can trace this thought back to such basic beginnings as the Magna Carta in 1215 for English speaking countries.   I would suggest most people have yet to actually accept this basic and important concept, let alone believe and act in accordance with it.  Just as the founding of the Magna Carta was the ‘Great Charter of Freedoms’, and the Civil War was the freeing of slaves in America, most ‘men’ still struggle with such a basic concept of what it could mean to them, too… and they, for the most part, don’t even know it – yet!?!  Perhaps, it is similar to stories I read on how slaves didn’t immediately leave their plantations because of they didn’t understand the basic concept of ‘freedom’ (and stayed where they felt safe, comfortable and life was somewhat predictable).  Perhaps, men are doing the same thing, with great personal, social, political and economic costs being incurred to maintain their implied ‘status’???

During the current global ‘re-organization’ of our manufacturing, economic and political bases, perhaps we might also add the process of clarifying a ‘cultural infrastructure’ to more humanely reflect a viewpoint of equality for all (including ‘men’)!?!  Just as the rapidly changing bases are reshaping our entire world structures, to include ‘culture’ in this discussion has the potential to be huge!!!  Women, various racial minorities, and even ‘third world countries’ are all vying for their piece of the world’s pie.  Perhaps, in addition to seriously rewriting economic and capitalistic guidelines, we could include discussion of ‘classism’ in a broad sense (which could include men as a category).  Another form of this discussion might be the old fashioned term – civility.  In ‘olden days’ there were various moral codes of conduct which members of various groups and classes were expected to obey and uphold.  Our current ‘wild west mentality’ of anything goes (as long as a person can get away with it – e.g. Wall Street bonuses) may have outlived its usefulness??? 

What IF men were taught, just as women are (through their formative years of playing mother and tending dolls and doll houses) that there are expected duties to be performed and within acceptable guidelines (ethics) – beyond supplying food (or today’s modern form, a paycheck)?  Perhaps, we might begin to expect more than ‘survival tactics’ from men and their contribution to modern society.  Just as in any healthy family, there are assigned (or negotiated) roles and expected performance levels (and accountability).  Men somehow seem to have been lost in this shuffle, so not only do we not have ‘modern industrial age’ jobs left for them (they were all moved to low-cost Third World Countries?), but we don’t do much to help men feel included in their own futures.  Of course, it can be argued that many of our world leaders are men (generally viewed as White, married heterosexual and aggressive men), but what about the vast majority of ‘Middle America’ who might be called ‘followers’?  Where are they getting their moral role models from?  Television, movies, video games and media are generally promoting ‘drama’, war games, sports (power and control), and then ways in which men need to relax after working so hard (‘the good life’)???  What sort of future models are they being offered?  Various ‘minorities’ are all fighting to get their ‘fair share’ of the existing pie and men haven’t even been declared needing/deserving a seat at the table, yet!?!

New television shows are modeling that older women are now able and permitted to go after younger men (‘cougars’), and women of all ages are seen breaking the ‘glass ceiling’ of corporate America.  Yes, there are a few men who pride themselves on their ‘bigger than life’ masculinity (e.g. Donald Trump and his reputation for saying “You’re fired!”), but I fear most men are feeling rather lost these days.  This further adds to their self doubts and lowered self-esteem (and another level of issues to add to their battles to regain ‘self respect’.  The drug industry is allowing (promoting?) men to have a longer lasting sex life.  How many are doing this out of ‘need’ to be more of a man and prove their ‘manhood’, so they can please/maintain a woman to want to stay with him… (humor here, please!?!).  I don’t hear of a lot of women clamoring for more this type of sex?!?  Even the concept of ‘manhood’ is being too often boiled down to ‘measuring up’ to some cave men standards (and one-man comedy routines have people laughing in the isles).  Being a man in today’s world is no laughing matter, and we need to help men ‘get it’ so they stop beating themselves up (and other men, too) with self doubt and worry… Let’s put all that energy to use in making for better relationships (sharing rather than controlling) and creating a new America we can all be not only proud of who we are (as a group) but can share with the rest of the world, too…passionate and joy based, rather than aggressive and fear focused or obsessed.

I hope this will encourage discussions and the beginning of dialogues with your male friends, family and civic leaders… Please let me know what you think, too – Thank you!