I feel privileged and honored to witness this most impressive and sometimes amazing process!  For the men, they often reflect that it was some of the hardest (and most important!) work of their lives.

Most men come to therapy to ‘fix’ some situation or ‘problem’ that others have determined belongs to them or has been judged their ‘fault’.  Most come with frustration and annoyance that they have to ‘deal with it’, as they felt things were just fine as they were – “Why can’t people leave well enough alone!?!”  They often resent that the days of “father knows best” are no longer the way of this land, or a few feel tremendous guilt, shame and embarrassment for the circumstances they find themselves in.  The approaches used to these very different viewpoints/’problems’, of course, needs to be quite different, but I believe the primary causes and helpful solutions turn out to often be quite similar and simple.

When I first began attending various conferences and workshops on men’s issues in the early ‘80’s it was an exciting time for the participants.  One national men’s conference was getting around 600 men (with about half being from the local area) and each year it would be held in another part of the country, usually at some university facility.  For many of us it felt like returning to college, only this time it was ‘the college of life’, a both daunting and exciting subject!  At the same time the women’s movement was gaining recognition and building steam, too.  One such annual event, The Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival, (www.michfest.com) in mid-Michigan is a ‘village’ erected on a 650 acre farmland like setting for about a week each year.  Their attendance grew (and continues to grow!), where I understand a few years ago they were getting 5,500 women (plus children).

What I observed at the men’s conferences, during these early years, was the number in attendance was staying roughly the same each year (again, with about half being from the local area).  Why were we not growing along with the women???  I recall my first men’s conference in Ann Arbor, Michigan where they had a female musical performer from The Womyn’s Music Festival.  She commented how exciting it was to have us men working on our issues here, and the women working on their issues nearby.  Perhaps, she said, someday we could all come together and work on our issues of being ‘humans’ together. I’m still waiting (and wishing) for those days to eventually arrive…

And, to make matters worse (in my viewpoint, of course) these men’s conferences changed the focus along the way.  The group I use as an example began as The National Organization of Changing Men (NOCM).  Then in the early ‘90’s, they changed its name (and focus) to become The National Organization of Men Against Sexism (NOMAS – www.NOMAS.org ) – I understand this is the Spanish word for ‘no more’.  Some of us were concerned that the focus was changing from helping us to personally grow to one of putting our efforts towards helping others.  While this was and is an important task (which definitely needed addressing!), some of us were concerned the men doing this important work, were doing it at the neglect of their own growth and development.  I remember a formal discussion regarding the pending name change and one of the directors commenting he didn’t care what the name was, as he had too much work to do to care about a name.  Well, the style and focus of the conference and workshops changed, too, following the name change, and I and some others stopped attending (as well as presenting) for this reason.  A new group did emerge from this changing focus/perspective and now has its own annual conferences, The American Men’s Studies Association (www.MensStudies.org).  They have an interesting historical segment describing this change/split on their website, too.  I was pleased to have been invited to present at their conference last year when it was held near Detroit.  They had less than 100 men (and some women).  It felt like a homecoming of sorts and was very exciting to be among such like-minded individuals.  Again, given the smaller numbers in this group, where are the men and what are they doing about their lives???

While watching television during our Thanksgiving weekend in Chicago this year, a guest on a political discussion commented that he observed, growing up in Europe, that Americans appear very ‘outcome oriented’ while Europeans appear very ‘process oriented’.  While simply a quick comment during an intense discussion, I think it says volumes about America and its men today!  Women have been saying it for years, “Please don’t try to ‘fix’ me or the situation, simply listen and support me!”  This is right in line with what I witnessed at the men’s conference, where men decided to go out and ‘fix’ the world so women and children would be better off – NOMAS!  I’ve also been saying for some years now, that the ‘rescuers’ of the world need to learn how to take better care of themselves (as we’ve learned a LOT about the ‘victims’ and ‘bad guys’ of dysfunctional families, societies and organizations).  Otherwise these well intended individuals will be ‘burned out’ or used up and no one will probably seem to care, simply look for the next ‘good guy’ to come along.  In the auto industry we’re paying people to ‘go away’… having too many workers.

In our rapidly emerging global economy various countries, corporations and individuals are scrambling to either find a new niche they can occupy, or trying power struggle ‘politics’ to regain control over a segment that they expect will rescue them (by keeping them ‘in power’).  We appear to now be in a ‘win – lose’ mentality, rather than the ‘win – win’ model I was brought up to expect (and still believe in).  I see this as VERY dangerous, both in the short run and even worse in the longer run!  Authors of the book “Re-Inventing The Corporation”, John Naisbitt and Patricia Aburdene (1986) said in their chapter on health and the corporation:

“How does the high touch of a wellness program compare with the other sensible business-oriented approaches to saving money suggested in this chapter – auditing bills, joining HMO’s, using emergicenters, and similar suggestions?

The whole purpose of a wellness program is to change people’s entire lifestyles.  Our lifestyles, not some strange diseases, are killing us.  When our habits make us sick and kill us, our companies pick up the bill.  It is as simple as that.

When you teach people to quit smoking, lower their blood pressure, relax, eat and drink healthfully, you are acting out one of the major themes of this book: Re-inventing the corporation must be a win/win proposition for both the company and the people in it.  Nothing illustrates that principle better than promoting total health on the job.”

Interesting, too, is how they have another entire chapter dedicated to women and the corporation!  Again, where are the men and why are we not even looking at how they/we are doing???  Perhaps, we as men have become (or continue to be) SO busy taking care of or fixing ‘problems’ that we are missing the point of all of this???  Life MUST be a ‘win – win’ situation, and I rarely find anyone feeling that way these days!?!

How we’re getting to our ‘solutions to our ‘problems’ I suggest is a LARGE part of the problem, too.  The television comment about America being ‘outcome oriented’ described it so well.  I refer to it as ‘process’ (a person, in a place, with a process).  Some might refer to this as the ‘goal’, and we Americans sure know about obtaining goals!?!  This is where our ‘Wild West’ mentality still dominates our thinking.  One example is the headline “Harassment costs Ford - $8-million payout joins $10-million to educate workers” (Detroit Free Press newspaper, Sept. 8, 1999).  Like the director of the men’s group who didn’t care what the group was called, as he was too busy taking care of business (literally doing paperwork during the meeting), too many men appear too busy finding ‘solutions’ to look at how the participants/employees/CUSTOMERS are feeling… FEELINGS – EVERYON’E FEELINGS - ARE IMPORTANT, TOO!!!  Facts AND FEELINGS need to find ‘win – win’ solutions.

When men finally come into counseling, as I said earlier, usually it is at the urging of someone else.  They are looking to get to the solution of their problem as quickly as possible so they can get on with their lives.  While this may look productive (and health insurance companies are urging/demanding this) I find it is often short sighted.  I’ve attended professional health conferences where presenters detailed how insurance companies are not willing to help clients get to the root of their problems (for example, various “addictions” like drinking alcohol to excess) but are only willing to pay to get the employee back on the assembly line (his prior behavior).  They state they know they will most probably ‘relapse’, but say they have the statistics to show it is less costly/cheaper to pay for another detox program than to have them find out the causes of their drinking in the first place… talk about paying the pound of cure rather than an ounce of prevention!?!  And, what about the quality of life of someone who doesn’t know why he repeatedly returns to such a poor quality coping skill???  And, what about the impact on his family and community!?!

I also find the solutions to this situation don’t have to be very costly either, IF the men are willing/educated to see the importance of their ‘mental health’ in their, and their family’s and their company’s lives.  This is where I believe the men’s movement needs to be promoted and seen as an important aspect of men’s lives.  Women have been doing their homework, about what it can mean to be a woman in today’s world, for the last several decades and men desperately need to begin to catch up, doing their homework, too!

A couple of quick resources might be useful for readers wanting to begin this journey.  The first paperback book is “When I Say No, I Feel Guilty”, by Manuel J. Smith (Bantam Books, 1975).  I find most clients readily relate to the title!  This is still one of the best books on basic ‘win – win’ assertive training skills and is written in an easy to read/practical manner.  Another excellent book is “Fire In The Belly – On Being A Man” by Sam Keen (paperback 1992 and I noticed is available used on-line for as little as 1 cent!).  This is one man’s story as he tried to figure out what his wife had been trying to get him to understand about life and living.  Finally, one of the best overview books on how our American families have become SO unhealthy, is “Healing The Shame That Binds You” by John Bradshaw (1988 and paperback in 2005, and on audio cassette, too).  The author has had a series on PBS television about the mechanics of the family and I find this one gives an excellent overview.  Facts can set men free to become considerably more healthy and happy…

One client came into therapy and learned he needed to get in touch with his feelings.  When he finally began to understand the concept (and importance) of ‘feelings’ (happy, sad, scared, hurt and angry as basic feelings) we talked about them being like an ‘inner child’.  He quickly and emphatically stated his inner child had been killed off years ago.  I suggested the fact that he was alive meant that his inner child was alive as well.  Perhaps, he was hiding scared and motionless in the corner but he was alive.  With patience and compassion he learned that his inner child was indeed still alive and wanting to come out of the corner and learn to play. 

In conclusion, I recall a keynote address I delivered twenty years ago this year which I believe is still relevant, “Macho Man: No Longer King of the Castle”.  Sadly, like many addictive behaviors, I find men are still ‘in denial’ of this perspective and desperately trying to get the world to go back to being compliant and cooperative.  I try to help men, one person at a time, learn there are indeed ‘win – win’ situations and relationships they can find and enter into, when and IF they are willing to look at their relationship with their own ‘self’ first.  Then, out of a sense of a healthy ‘self’ can they offer to assist others to join them in doing as they do (and not simply doing as they say).  Perhaps, men like their dogs (often referred to as their ‘best and loyal friend’) can learn new tricks!?!